me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.