I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Storm Tropical Storm
I wish this was real life…
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
welcome back
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.