I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.