The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
#growingpains
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.