Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Harsh but fair
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.