an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.