*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Whoa 😂
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.