*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You Might Also Like
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
yea so i messed up lol
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
What is going on? 😅
Left at a local drug store…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
termite twitter scares me