Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
A dad and his duck
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁