Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Every damn time