The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Xylophonist Shredding It
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶