Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
You Might Also Like
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
He is just living hist best little life 😊
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Is….Is this an option?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Are you ok, human???
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame