She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?