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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
When your parents check you’re ok.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
fair
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.