My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Dune (2021)
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
A short story of betrayal:
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.