[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.