A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?