NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
They also CAN sing✌️
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My dad is at it again
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Not all heroes wear capes…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Called it
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy