Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Sometimes, when I鈥檓 washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this