8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
.. do you even science?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me