I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Damn he played himself
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.