Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Worst Native American name ever.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.