If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
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I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
good work, detective
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
True
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!