[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me trying to “trust the process”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.