Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
You Might Also Like
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut