I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!