I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
You Might Also Like
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
honestly, i need both:
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones