her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?