One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
😩😩😩
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money