Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi