Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?