I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Perfection.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*