When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
who did the taste test?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise