HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me