The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
⛄️
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.