OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Still a very good boi….
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download