I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.