I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.