my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
the clam before the storm
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!