[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
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[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™