Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!