[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife