My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
That time Alicia messaged me
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again