Is this you?
You Might Also Like
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
favorite tropes as memes
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution