I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”