95% of dentists recommend teeth.
You Might Also Like
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Yeah. This was me today.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Seems a bit forward
☠️☠️☠️
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?