“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
A French press is when you hug naked
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so