Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Jupiter
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct