THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
#TopTip
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”