Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
You Might Also Like
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
🤣
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman